In short: many experienced, capable women hold back from promotions, senior meetings and public speaking because they don’t feel confident enough. Confidence isn’t the starting point. Build your competence, find the courage to face your fears and, above all, treat yourself with compassion. That is what lets you step forward even when confidence isn’t there.
What a room full of wonderful women taught me about the confidence we keep waiting for.
Last week I spoke at The Wonderful Women Movement in Cardiff, in support of GFS. And I found a room full of wonderful women who shared a common ailment.
At these events we each write on a card what we would like help with, so we can match people with those who can offer it. When I read the cards, one word kept coming back: confidence.
Then I went to talk to the women who had written them, and the word started to take shape. Confidence to go for a promotion. Confidence to speak up in meetings with senior people. Confidence to apply for the role they really want. Confidence to speak in public.
I had lots of wonderful conversations, and once again I met incredible people with a wealth of experience and a proven track record who, for some reason, still feel they are not confident enough.
It confirmed something I have believed for a long time: we have got confidence the wrong way round. We treat it as the ticket in, the feeling we must have before we are allowed to step forward. And so we keep undervaluing ourselves and questioning whether we can reach what we want.
Why do we wait to feel ready?
One of the wonderful women I spoke to had a strong track record in the military and in the ambulance service. She was wondering whether she was really ready for the number one role, and whether she should even apply.
So I asked her: “Have you ever found yourself in a difficult situation without having it all figured out, and yet you stepped up and got through it to a good outcome?”
“Of course I have,” she said.
Of course she had. So why do we keep waiting to feel ready, instead of trusting our ability to navigate whatever comes next?
She didn’t need more confidence. She needed the courage to trust what she had already proved, again and again.
What can you work on instead of confidence?
Another wonderful woman, who leads a busy organisation, told me she sometimes struggles to think clearly and get her message across to senior stakeholders. As we talked, I suggested she tackle two areas, neither of which is called confidence.
The first is competence: practising communication. I recommended Toastmasters to her, and to several other people in the room. They say practice makes perfect. It doesn’t. But it does make better.
The second is the relationship she has with herself. Because, inevitably, there will be plenty of moments when we don’t feel confident, and how we treat ourselves in those moments makes all the difference.
Competence and compassion. Two things you can work on today, whether you feel confident or not.
What happens when you do everything right and still feel insecure?
I know this from the inside. That day I gave the PechaKucha talk I had been working on for weeks. I had done everything I could to build my competence through practice and training. I found the courage to step onto the stage and face my fear.
And still, I stepped off that stage feeling insecure. Because it wasn’t as perfect as I had hoped. Because I didn’t get as much validation as I wished I had. And because that’s just the way it is.
What made the difference was remembering to be kind and compassionate with myself, the way I would be with any of the wonderful women I had met that afternoon. That is what lets me keep going on my journey, without letting insecurity block the path I know is right for me.
Competence, courage and compassion
So, to all the wonderful women out there, and the men too: if you filled in one of those cards tomorrow, I hope you wouldn’t write “confidence”. Accept that sometimes you will have it and sometimes you won’t, and write something else instead.
Build your competence. Find the courage to face your fears. And above all, have compassion for yourself. Because when you do, you don’t need to wait for confidence. You can be something else entirely: flowrageous.
Wondering what that means? It’s what we explore together in my monthly newsletter: a small community learning to be flowrageous instead of waiting to feel confident. You can join here.
Maybe that is what a movement like this one is really for: wonderful women reminding each other that we don’t need to feel ready to be ready. And I’d love to know: what would you do this week if you stopped waiting to feel confident?
Frequently asked questions
Why do capable women still lack confidence at work?
Because we have learned to treat confidence as a prerequisite. Experience and a proven track record don’t automatically switch the feeling on, so many wait to feel ready before stepping forward.
Do you need confidence to go for a promotion?
No. What you need is competence you keep building, the courage to act while you feel the fear, and enough self-compassion to keep going when it doesn’t go perfectly.
How can I speak up with senior stakeholders when I don’t feel confident?
Practise the skill (groups like Toastmasters help) and work on how you talk to yourself in the moments you feel unsure. Practice doesn’t make perfect, but it makes better.
About the author: Susana Serrano-Davey is a former CFO with over 25 years in corporate life. Today she mentors leaders and professionals, speaks about confidence and self-awareness at work, and is the author of Self-Confidence Is Overrated.
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